I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Vodka?
Forever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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