The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
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