the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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