Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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