The maid of honor just puked.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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