i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
