hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
