Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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