Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
