Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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