i can't believe i had my finger in that
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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