"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
