no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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