i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
