Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize