and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
