Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
