you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
