I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
