she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
