i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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