Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
