Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
