I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
