just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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