"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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