i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
