I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
