Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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