I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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