Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
