Jerry, you need to find god
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
