He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
