Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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