She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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