2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Edward fifth and chaser hands
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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