I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
