Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
