you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
