Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
