You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
