new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
