didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
