If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i out mim tonsoeep
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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