nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
