My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
