My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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