You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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