Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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