so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
