Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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