im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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