Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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