Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
