I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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