her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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