I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
