note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
