too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
