i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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